12:13 am: "Love"
This is one of the most complicated feeling possible to us. I see all of these amazing people around me so absolutely in love, and I can't help sitting back and wondering to myself as to where my love is? Did I have it just a few short weeks ago? Or was I just pretending because I wanted it so badly? How can a four letter word put such strain on a person? Be so complicated? Make us crazy?
Let me tell you a story: **Warning: Harsh truth that you may/may not not known coming**
Two years ago, as most of you know, I was 'madly in love'. He was 'such an amazingly perfect' guy. So amazingly perfect that I was 'so in love' that I let him hit me, cheat on me, lie to me, and I denied the fact it was horrible for so long because "he loved me". I remember one night after argueing because I had been text messaging Brad, I told him I never wanted to see him again, and refused to look at him. He grabbed me by my neck and I couldn't breathe, I struggled to get up and told him to get out of my house, but he refused. I attempted to lock myself into the bedroom in the basement but he came in, and I was leaving when he grabbed me, picked me up and threw me across the room. I lay on the floor crying and the next thing I knew I was hugging him telling him that I was sorry... all because he said one simple four letter word. I was apologizing to him after all of that, because he "loved" me... If thats love I want nothing to do with it.
How is it that because a person can say a word that we automatically believe its true? Why is it that we are willing to let someone do anything because they "love" us. The more I think about it, the more hatrid I feel towards my self. I was so stupid and idiotic. How could I do that to myself? to everyone who was around me and truely cared for me! How did such a short word and a fake feeling change me so seriously?
Another story:
About six months ago, the 'perfect' guy came into my life. Everything about him was amazing. He was gorgeous, a blast, hilarious, and serious all at the same time. One day, perhaps too quickly, he said that four letter word. I was amazed, and scared. I tricked myself into believing I was ready for that feeling to be there, was it there? or was I pretending? Slowly, but surely I grew into this feeling, and I was overwhelmed. I wasn't sure what to think? how to act? Disappointment came a few short months later, too soon? Just soon enough? I would spend the next few months holding on to a string of hope, which was cut just yesterday forever. Now I'm left to wonder what was true? How many of the things I felt were true? Or was I just pretending? Acting? Putting up a front? The whole world is a stage? He told me that he didnt want to say it because it would "lose meaning"
How is that at the age of 18, I sit here and pretend that I understand something so incredibly complicated as this? What if all of this complication is for a reason? What if that reason is the gap in reality where this feeling belongs? What if this gap can never be filled because this feeling is fake? What if all of the words in the world really are just that? Words have no meaning... Really, honestly? What seperates the word "marker" from the word "cat"? What? Its our thoughts and our feelings. What is this four letter word that I get so stressed out over? What seperates it from a word like "car"? Honestly, its just a word. Just a word. What really matters are the thoughts and feelings we have right? Why do we as a society stress out over it then? Why do we put such harsh stress on finding 'our true love' the 'cory to our topanga'? Love, itself, is not real. The dizzy feeling you get on a first kiss, or the patter of our heart, the way your stomach flies to your throat. THAT is real. This "love" is not.
Another Story:
When I was just a small freshman, there was this senior and he just seemed like he was the coolest guy in the whole world. He played the guitar, and he had just a bad boy persona, without the attitude or actions. He was amazing. My entire Freshman year I was crazy about him, finally at the end we started to date. He told me he loved me before he even kissed me. We broke up, but have stayed good friends, very good, close friends. He, to be completely honest, is one of my best friends. Following his life these past three years, I have heard him say he "loves" 5 girls, including me. 5. In such a short period of time. I often sit around and wonder if this is what I have to look forward to in my life. If this meaningless phrase, "I love you" *means* something, so spectacular its almost Holy, but is it being used like "Whatever" in the California Valley?
I was fooled not once, but three times by a silly meaningless phrase. I refuse to let it happen to me again. This is a serious emotional breakthrough for me. This 'phrase' has no real meaning. Walking through the halls of good ol' Chrisman High I can hear couples muttering their "I love you"s before heading off for a total of 45 minutes without each other. Someone call the shrink they might just lose their minds. Seriously! Thats how attached people become to this meaningless phrase. Why is it that we cant just ignore the phrase and stick to the real meaning?
I vow, from this moment on, to ignore that stupid 'phrase' and stick to the real meaning. If I feel it, I won't have to say it. The man of my dreams will know it. The only time I will use that phrase is in passing towards people that I care about. To me, that is what "love" means. To have such a strong emotional attachment, which is what the true dictionary definiton of Love is. A strong emotional attachment. How does that describe the feeling you get on that first kiss? or the way you feel when the shy guy grabs your hand? how can that describe the dizzy feeling? Honestly? How?
Here is my promise to you: I will no longer use this phrase as a serious complicated idea, but rather as a sense of comfort. To show you, and tell you, that Im attached. I have grown so close to you that I have a "strong emotional attachment" chances are, if I already tell you that I love you, your face, or any other part of you, then this applies to you. Yes, I will say I love you, but not in the same sense that people want it to be used.
Honestly, the phrase is meaningless. Don't be fooled. Don't be stupid. Don't let yourself get caught up in something so meaningless. Learn from my mistakes please?
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